Written by: Jaimie Johnson, certified doula (DONA), Lamaze childbirth educator (LCCE), & prenatal yoga teacher (RYT-200)
When anger says go, God says slow. That was the objective of today’s sermon in our kids ministry where I was volunteering, and man did it resonate. I struggle with many sins, but as a mom, I feel that this is one that I struggle with most often. It’s the one that is most obvious, the one that I immediately regret.
Does anyone’s child do great at school but often lose it when they get home? That’s my middle kid, almost daily. I’ve always heard it’s because they feel safest with us and that’s wonderful, but it doesn’t make for a fun afternoon/evening for the family.
Even worse, does anyone else do the same thing as their child? Please tell me I’m not the only one to have what I like to refer to as “adult temper tantrums”? We can hold it together all day in public, but by the end of the day, we tend to unravel. Restraint collapse is a more official term, and it’s a totally real thing.
This isn't just something I wrestle with in motherhood. I've seen anger rise to the surface in my work supporting families through pregnancy and birth, too.
When Anger is Present in the Birth Space
In the birth world, I’ve had many moments where anger rises to the surface. Anger for what our standard of care is for pregnant women. Anger for the pressure that is put on moms to make decisions out of a place of fear rather than empowerment, anger for the injustices that so many families face, anger when birth takes a difficult turn.
As birth workers, we come into the experience with varying biases, opinions, and backgrounds. Sometimes, the anger I’m experiencing is because something I’ve witnessed or heard about is truly wrong, abusive, or traumatic. Sometimes my emotion stems from my own fears, past experiences or personal circumstances.
In these moments of intense emotion, I have to discern between what is morally wrong or what is simply my own frustration with how things are. What is actually misaligned with the values of the family that I’m supporting vs what I perceive as an interruption to what I know physiological birth can be? I also have to ask myself if I’m sitting & stewing in this anger or positively making change in a way that is not intrusive to the families I’m supporting and their experience?
So, what do we do with all this anger?
What Does the Bible say About Anger?
James 1:19-20 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
This is the answer, straight from the bible, and it’s simple. But, it’s not easy.
In today’s kid ministry sermon, the student leader shared that anger isn’t a bad thing because it shows us that something is wrong, either morally or in our body. First, recognizing this is huge, because instead of avoiding or reacting (which is usually how I respond to anger), we can think of what our body needs in that moment. We can check in and ask our self these questions.
Am I hangry?
Am I tired?
Am I hurt?
Do I need connection?
Do I need to consider another perspective?
How can I respond in a way that reflects Christ’s love instead of this emotion?
The goal isn't to pretend anger doesn't exist. It's to slow down enough to understand what it's telling us before we decide how to respond.
How To Pause and Discern What Your Anger is Trying to Tell You
Is something genuinely wrong? When I am in the birth space, I take a moment to decide if there a safety concern, mistreatment, coercion, and/or a violation of the family's wishes?
Is my own experience influencing my response? I check in to ask myself, am I reacting to what is happening now, or is something from my past shaping how I see it?
What response would actually help? Then I decide how to respond. Does this call for speaking up, asking questions, supporting the family, seeking accountability, or taking a step back to process my emotions?
Is there someone else who can help support me? Who can you add to your team that knows your values and is willing to help you navigate a system that may not always honor those? If you’re planning for birth, a doula is the best person to add to your team! Check out options here - you don’t have to have someone IN your birth space to have someone ON your team!
Are You Creating Positive Change?
As many of you know, I was a public school teacher in Kentucky before pursing my doula career. I loved the profession, and I still enjoy substitute teaching, but I was always so frustrated with the injustice of the system. After COVID, many of us left the teaching career, because things felt too heavy to hold.
My sweet friend, who left around the same time as me decided to go back to teaching several years later and I was honestly shocked. We have often shared similar views on the frustrations with the public school system, and as we were talking about her decision to go back, she said that instead of complaining about all the things that were wrong with the system, she boldly moved into an administration role where she could work to make positive change. It’s stuck with me ever since. On the days where birth work feels heavy, I remind myself that If you can’t/don’t want to leave the system, work to change it instead!
So, let me ask you, when anger rises to the surface in your own life or work, how do you discern what needs to change—and what your next step should be? If you need help processing through and preparing to advocate for yourself and your family, try out the birth prep devotional!
